It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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