soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
