Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
