dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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