don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
