i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
