she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
