Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
We got so high we made milksteak
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
