I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She told me I should be a condom model.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
