I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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