Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
