i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
