in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
