you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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