did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
