I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
