i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
