never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
