i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
