I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
