I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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