The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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