My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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