i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
