If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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