I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
