I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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