found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
