my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
