i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
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