I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I touched a dick in church today
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
