Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
