I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
