Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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