I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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