Your favorite bartender is back from prision
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
