just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
