You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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