O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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