So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
