Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
