cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
