I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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