He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
