dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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