My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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