life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
How many fucks given?
0.12846
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
