woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
