You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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