She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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