I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
