Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
