I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My cat gives me a boner
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
