Life is so much better after having sex.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
